Coming to Terms With Self

Looking out my back door window, I couldn't help but feel how perfect this morning is. It isn't your typical sunny morning. No. The sky is grey as gosling down feather. Clouds roll inconspicuously by in a flat painted finish. If the world was just as surreal, it would make one wonder about reality. In starking contrast trees and grass added the excitement in view. It is a hopeful, silent excitement. It's hard to describe. It's a feeling so rare, that I wonder if I am the only one to experience it. It has been raining, off and on. The recent tropical storms far south in the gulf are to be thanked for that. Most definitely, my newly budding flowers thank God for that. I haven't been the responsible gardener that I hoped to be when I planted their seeds. Staring at the scenery. A line from Howl's Moving Castles floats in among my fleeting thoughts. "Somehow, when you're old, all you want to do is stare at the scenery."

Old, no, I'm not old, but I've grown. It's been one year and a month since Chris and I were married. It was a happy year, full of change, excitement, even tears and sadness. It's enligtening, I find, to be thinking of the years in review. Thinking about what I once was as compared to now. I'm sure my friends see it. I'm not the shy young girl hiding behind books but a fully realized woman. I'm more apt to talk for one, I have more opinnions and don't fail share them with anyone around me. It was happiness that changed me. I find confidence in myself that I never knew was there. I find that I'm an actual person. It's strange how love changes things. Love and happiness, that Is.

A year ago, I had an agenda. I was to finish college, become an emerging artist, and be halfway, if not through a whole novel. I'm totally different. I've only finished my AA and oddly enough, I'm okay with that. Where once I thought that a degree means everything in this world including personal standing, now I think of moral standings and everything but intellect. I've finished a total of 3 canvases in the past year, not quite enough to make a name for myself. Those 3 canvases now hang on various walls in my house, or in my lesson area, all for my benefit. How selfish is that! And that novel, has about 4 pages to it, where in the last paragraph I lost my whole reason for writing.

I'm not the same person. I've changed more over the last few years than I've ever done in my whole life. For once in my life, I am certain about my future. I found that I love teaching. Perhaps that was the very gift that God gave me, but for all my selfish motives desired to cover it up, with so called, "declarations of independence." Contrary to what my mother told me, I love being the housewife. Here's the part where all the housewives tell me, "Just you wait another couple years!" But really, I love making the home, pleasing and comfortable. My motive, my husband. With all the stress he has had (good stress) he deserves to come home and unwind in a clean and uncluttered home. We have no worries about finances, a huge blessing! We are even looking to buy our first home in one year! The rest of my college career is planned out and waiting to happen. I have no complaints. I can't even complain about the weather.
I know, it will happen. All those not so wonderful moments in life, but maybe I'll remember that life's really not that bad in a larger view. In fact, It's pretty amazing.